How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
Two antennas met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant
Why was the mortgage so upset? Because it was a loan
Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment
Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooooke.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar. One says to the other “Round? Round? Get a round? I get a round?”
Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says: “He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there.”
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turned to the other and said: ‘does this taste funny to you?’
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
I have a gravel path in my garden while my neighbor's is concrete. I think mine wins on aggregate.
Old Tommy Cooper joke: ‘So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'
A Higgs’ Boson walks into a church. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs’ Bosons in here.”
The Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
Why was the writer in agony? Because the sub-editor had removed his colon.
What do you get if you cross The Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
A Centurion walks into a pub and asks for a Martinus. “Don’t you mean a Martini?” says the barman. “No,” says the Centurion, “If I want a double I’ll ask for one.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car. “Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car.”
“That’s right, officer, I do.”
“Well that’s ridiculous – take them to the zoo straight away.”
“OK officer.” And the car drives off.
Next day, the same policeman in the same spot sees the same car drive past – with the penguins in the back. He flags him down again.
“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo…”
“Yes, officer, and it was great – today I’m taking them to the cinema.”
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m traveling light."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.